The Influences in my life

As little girls we are all read fairy tales on how life is so wonderful and the perfect man will come sweep us off our feet and take us to the beautiful castle. I’m here to tell you I was quite shocked to find my journey was not as smooth as the books led me to believe and “happily ever after” comes with a price.

I looked at my parents relationship as a guide to what marriage and family was supposed to be. They were both young when they married, mom was only 17 and my father (I refer to him as S.D. for my sperm donor) was 21. He had just come home from the war in Vietnam and was only home a week when they got married. Was it storybook from the beginning? I’m sure it was considering all my mothers’ memories of it are not horrible. Mom didn't work when we were little so she was always there when we needed her and she did the whole baking cookies Betty Crocker thing. She drove us to school and was very involved in our lives. I looked at her and thought this is what being a wife all is about. I thought that is how the whole world was; even my grandmother was like that from the outside. Only later would mom admit she had not kissed nearly enough frogs to make an educated decision of this magnitude.

Mom did charity work when we were in school. She taught me the importance of helping people less fortunate and how appearances are everything. She was raised in a time where trouble in the home was to be hidden from the world, it was a “what would the neighbors think” kind of mentality. Dirty laundry was not to be shown so I never learned how to deal with it when I started creating my own. She did all she could to make sure we kids were happy, healthy and in complete ignorance of what a real couple looked like. Mom tried to do it all for S.D. too, lost weight, dressed the best, did her makeup etc. She cooked the meals and tried hard to be June Cleaver. I know she was doing what she thought was best but I think I would have appreciated a little realism to prepare me for the real world, because that real world was not so rosy.

I guess you can say I was sheltered as a child, spoiled was probably a better term. SD was a Navy man so we traveled all over while I was a kid. Every eighteen months or so we would embark on a new adventure with a new base, we saw exotic places, tasted the most elegant of dishes and shopped like there was no tomorrow. One of my favorite shopping sprees was in Korea. We girls packed two empty suitcases each, two changes of panties and lots and lots of cash. We came home with five full suitcases, fur coats and a mink blanket I still have today. I learned to haggle on that trip. Seems there if you don’t haggle on the price, they would be offended. I didn't mind, it made me think I was getting a better deal and gave me more money to spend.

I saw from some of the poorer countries we visited, that not everyone had the best. S.D would talk about the deplorable conditions that some of these people lived in but I had no idea how bad it was till I saw it for myself. I knew I had it good when I saw homeless kids and beggars all over the streets of Olongapo City in the Philippines. At least I had two parents living in the same house; some of these kids had none. On one visit, a baby girl was found in the trash can. It was newborn and one of many of the disposable children I saw there. Mom, who I still believe was born to be a mommy, wanted to take this child home with us and give it a better life. Unfortunately the baby did not make it through the night. It seems her mother was a prostitute and the baby was the product of mixed race. Babies of mixed race were not seen as something of value and the orphanages were filled with them, well the ones that survived.

S.D. helped out with some of the orphanages in the Philippines. I’m sure it was from a guilty conscious figuring he had at least one or two of my siblings in there. He had to go there every few weeks to vaccinate the working girls and all of them knew him by name. He would come home and talk about these poor women and how they try so hard to snag a serviceman so they could “come to America” and have a better life. The Philippine government wanted S.D. to be a director of some sort....something to do with medical needs for their country. It was under Marcos regime at the time so not the most stable place to be in the world. They were showing us Manila, where we would live, armed guards, how safe we would be and the schools we kids would go to. Mom was not thrilled with the idea of living anywhere that would require an armed guard’s presence to even cross the street or go shopping, so she made sure he didn't accept the position. Once again, the needs and safety of her children took top priority. We spent New Years there and seemed like everywhere we turned; some prostitute was calling him over to say hi and wanting to chat. He hid his indiscretions well while I was a child, or maybe mom did, but they looked happy from the outside.

S.D. wasn't very involved in our life but I thought all a dad was supposed to do was provide the money so we could live comfortably and shop till we dropped. When I was a teenager he was less careful about hiding his affairs. He decided to go back to college when I was high school and things pretty much spiraled down the toilet from there. He went into a second childhood at this point. He acted like a teenager himself so it was very confusing to me. With the morals of an alley cat he prowled the campus looking for the next Ms. Right (more like Ms. Right Now) to take care of him. My respect for him was totally gone the day I caught him at another woman’s house. I was not the brightest crayon in the box at the time either because I shoe polished his windshield with the words “Guess who” in an attempt to show him he was busted. He knew it was me because of the handwriting and the words were spelled correctly. My brother is dyslexic so it obviously wasn't him. He tried to tell me it was nothing, they were studying and it was innocent, but I was 16, not 6. I explained to him he could sell crazy somewhere else because I wasn't buying it. We later found out he is Bipolar so it explained a lot of his mood swings and irresponsible behaviors. I’m sure mom had a clue what was going on looking back, but she never let down that facade of everything was wonderful.

Grandma was a wonderful woman while I was growing up and still is today. She is quiet and reserved with an air of class. We spent every summer we could at my grandparents’ home in California. It was nirvana for us. Grandma was the kind of woman you saw in magazines with the perfect home, perfect husband, the perfect life. She was the most domestic woman I ever met. Everything had a place and everything was in its place. Very organized, wish I would have inherited that part from her. I was the favorite so I was spoiled a little more I think. She was always active and kept up with us kids. She would take us to the zoo, Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farms, and go swimming with us, She only had one rule; she couldn't get her hair wet. Every Wednesday like clockwork she would go get her hair done. She had the same person every week and they knew how to deal with her “difficult curls”. One summer hell must have frozen over because she decided to go ahead and swim without the little rubber hat. My grandpa was so impressed with her spontaneous “wild side” coming out that they had a party and celebrated with champagne and caviar to commemorate the event. She was happy in California. I don’t think I can remember a time when she wasn't smiling or laughing. She and grandpa were very loving and showed affection to each other all the time. They were constant companions for over fifty years. She lived for my grandpa and him for her. The day we buried him, we lost a part of her as well.

My grandpa was a God to me. He was the perfect man in my eyes and no one will ever change my opinion of that. He was always there for me, taught me to drive, took me to get my ears pierced when mom didn't want it and did anything to make me smile. He was the man who spoiled me and made me think I was a princess. I could do no wrong in that mans eyes and I miss him to this day. He put my grandma on a pedestal and never let her off of it. He would cook Sunday meals and BBQ like no ones business. He worked hard his whole life, callused hands and a work ethic that wouldn't stop. My grandpa was the ultimate man because no matter how hard he worked, he took time to spend with the family and taught us that without family, you have nothing.

Grandpa was a military man too but he wasn't overly strict with us kids. He demanded that we respect our parents even though he wasn't really thrilled with the man my mom chose to marry. Grandpa was down to Earth, he believed in earning a living through hard work, didn't believe in welfare and thought S.D. didn't work hard enough with those sissy hands. Family was to be first even when it would cause a hardship to him. Perfect example of this was when we came home from Japan. We didn't have housing ready but he took us in for over a month. They even left the sunny California coast to move to New Mexico and take care of my Great Grandmother. GG was a real piece of work herself.

GG was raised in a different time, where woman was subservient to man. I don’t remember her husband but what I do know is she waited on him hand and foot. Somehow she was raised to think that if you didn't have a penis then you didn't have a brain. She treated my grandma like dirt, still does at 3499 (OK she is really only 100 yrs old but she acts like she held Moses staff when he went to part the red sea). She is bitter and has nothing good to say about anyone that isn't a male in the family. She doted on my brother, S.D., my uncles and Grandpa but I was just treated as excess baggage and only on rare occasions was I acknowledged for being alive. She was not subtle or reserved. I knew looking at her that this was definitely NOT what I wanted to be when I grew up. It’s funny how even when you try to fight it, some of the evil traits pull through. I have had to struggle with being rude so I guess I got that from her.

S.D. had a mother too. Lu was not the typical grandma. I don’t remember meeting her until I was around seven or eight. Our first meeting was memorable for many it seems. My mom introduced me to this strange woman was and I turned to her, with the sweetest of smiles and asked “Is this the one you call the bitch?” Of course my mom was totally embarrassed and Lu was pissed. I’m not really sure why this shocked her. I was always a curious child and she constantly accused me of not having a filter between my brain and my mouth. Lu was married many times and produced children with each of the different husbands, wow was this a preview of things to come. If I knew then what I know now, I would have ran like the devil had me. She was always distant from me and was the complete opposite of my grandma.

On that visit I asked my mom why Lu didn't like me, I thought at the time that maybe I wasn't good enough for her. She never had girls so I guess I was new territory she didn't care to explore. I wasn't sure how to take that because I had always had plenty of attention from the other set. This was the first time I remember that my parents fought. My mom went from being the quiet, demure woman into a mother lion fighting for her cub who was crying. She told my S.D. to do what ever he had to do, but we were leaving and she would “never darken the doorstep” of the evil witch who treated his kids with contempt. We never went back either, mom was definitely a woman of her words. I was confused for a while but I could see the differences between my mom and Lu. At that point Lu also went on the list of who I didn't want to be like. It was alright because I figured if she didn't want me, I didn't need her. If this was who raised S.D. than it was no wonder he was distant from us too. I got the feeling she was not the doting mother to him that my mom was to us.

Looking back I see I had many influences in my life, some good, and some bad. All taking a turn at painting the canvas that would turn that picture of me from a girl to a woman. I decided when I was young that I wanted the fairy tale too. It seemed so lovely and even slightly better than what mom had. I wanted to find Prince Charming, settle into my castle with servants and hand maids, and have a few little princesses and maybe one prince. Being a product of my upbringing, I wanted the latest chariot, preferably a convertible one; I wanted brand names on my butt and most of all, a platinum card with no limits. I wanted it all and I wanted it now. Let the journey begin.